Jesus Vs. Satan

Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. The y had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.

Finally fed up, God said, 'THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.'

So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.

They moused.

They faxed.

They e-mailed.

They e-mailed with attachments.

They downloaded.

They did spreadsheets!

They wrote reports.

They created labels and cards.

They created charts and graphs.

They did some genealogy reports

They did every job known to man.

Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell.

Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off.

Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.

Jesus just sighed.

Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:

'It's gone! It's all GONE! 'I lost everything when the power went out!'

Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.

Satan observed this and became irate.

'Wait!' he screamed. 'That's not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don't have any?'

God just shrugged and said, JESUS SAVES

Billy Graham and the Limo

Billy Graham was returning to Charlotte after a speaking engagement and when his Plane arrived there was a limousine there to transport him to his home.

As he prepared to get into the limo, he stopped and spoke to the driver.

'You know' he said, 'I am 87 years old and I have never
driven a limousine. Would you mind if I drove it for a while?'

The driver said,

'No problem. Have at it.'

Billy gets into the driver's seat and they head off
down the highway.
A short distance away
sat a rookie State Trooper operating his first speed trap.

The long black limo went by him doing 70 in a 55 mph zone.

The trooper pulled out
and easily caught the limo
and he got out of his patrol car to begin the procedure.

The young trooper walked up to the driver's door
and when the glass
was rolled down,
he was surprised to see
who was driving.

He immediately excused himself and went back to his car
and called his supervisor.

He told the supervisor,
'I know we are supposed
to enforce the law....
But I also know that
important people are
g iven certain courtesies.
I need to know what
I should do because

I have stopped a
very important person.'

The supervisor asked,
'Is it the governor?'

The young trooper said,
'No, he's more important
than that.'

The supervisor said,
'Oh, so it's the president.'

The young trooper said,
'No, he's even more
important than that.'

The supervisor finally asked,

'Well then, who is it?'

The young trooper said,
'I think it's Jesus,
because he's got Billy Graham for a chauffeur!'

Smile - God loves you! I ask the Lord to bless you, as I pray for you today;
to guide you and protect you, as you go along your way
God's love is always with you, God's promises are true.
And when you give God all your cares, you know God will see you through

You Might Be A Christian If...

-You think Welch’s grape juice is only used for communion.
-You say “God Bless You,” after someone sneezes and you actually mean it.
-You are on your knees so much that you have holes in your jeans.
-Your Sunday schedule consists of church, lunch, football, church, dinner, football.
-One of your favorite movies stars Kirk Cameron.
-You think living with the Duggers might be fun.
-When asked what your favorite books are you say “Psalms, Proverbs, and Acts.
-The only luck you believe in is potluck.
-Having dinner with friends is called fellowship.
-Unlike your non-Christian friends, dying doesn’t seem that bad.
-You understand that the Evolutionary Theory is just that…a theory.
-You spell it Christmas and not X-mas.
-You think Easter is more than just eggs and bunnies.
-Your financial guru is Dave Ramsey.
-Your fashion style is modest is hottest.
-When you see a John 3:16 sign at a sporting event you actually know what it means.
-Your sons are named Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John.
-Your Bible is used for more than just a coffee table decoration.
-You say blessed instead of lucky.
-You believe saving yourself means for marriage and not prom.
-Being an elder or spiritually mature has nothing to do with age.
-You own more than 4 Bibles and they’ve all been used.
-You love Chick-Fil-A and you know the reason why they are closed Sundays.
-You have brothers and sisters that you are not related to by blood or marriage.
-You can relate to most of the things on the blog “Stuff Christians Like.”
-You think any of this is funny.

If you have your own “You might be a Christian if…” ideas let me know. Make a comment on my blog, Facebook, or email me. I’d love to add your suggestions to my list.

Shell

An automobile accident had rendered one motorist unconscious. As he was being carried away, he opened his eyes and began to struggle desperately to get away. Afterward, he explained that the first thing he saw was a “Shell” sign, and somebody was standing in front of the “S.”

This is not an original work and I do not know the source at this time.

YAWBUS

What does a religious dyslexic think a subway is? God’s Bus.

Written by: Chuck Baker and Derek Roth

Pray for the Country

When Edward Hale served as chaplain of the Senate, he was asked, “Do you pray for the senators, Dr. Hale?” “No,” he said, “I look at the senators and pray for the country.”

ENCYLOPEDIA OF 7,700 ILLUSTRATIONS:SIGNS OF THE TIMES

Pray for Me

One Sunday in a Midwest City, a young child was “acting up” during the morning worship hour. The parents did their best to maintain some sense of order in the pew, but were losing the battle.

Finally, the father picked the little fellow up and walked sternly up the aisle on his way out.

Just before reaching the safety of the foyer, the little one called loudly to the congregation, “Pray for me! Pray for me!”

http://jokes.christiansunite.com/Church/

Clown Ministers

Top Ten reasons why churches don’t have clown minister:

10. They force people to smile during the 8am service.
9. You can’t say the sermon will be given by Brother Humpty Dumpty .
8. Whoopee cushions inevitably appear under the pew cushions.
7. Sermons take a lot longer when they are in pantomime.
6. Many churches do not recognize seltzer water baptisms.
5. Dribble glasses are used for the communion service.
4. They have to pay janitors extra to get all the silly sting off the ceiling.
3. Water squirting flowers are inappropriate for funerals.
2. Kids keep popping their balloon animals during prayer.
1. Haven’t you heard, church is no place for fun.

http://jokes.christiansunite.com/Church/